In Between

I'm not who I was, yet I'm not quite who I am going to be. I am in a place of becoming. A place in between worlds where my sacred heart reveals itself undeniably. I started this self portrait about four years ago. I had many visions about how I would be bringing light into this world. On my quest to have the question "who am I and why am I here?" answered by my higher power, images came through me and I began to draw and paint them. For four years..this painting has been with an empty lantern.  Every time I went to paint more, I'd take the brush to the canvas and a force inside me wouldn't let me add anything. I even bought new paint to etch in the lantern with fresh colors to reveal the magnificent creation. Excited and ready for my brush to kiss the image with light, a deep breath, a pause and the brush stalled. I'd hear a voice inside..."NO, not ready yet, don't force it. Put the brush down. There is something you are waiting for, now is not the time. You'll know it when you feel it. Trust yourself."  I would often times get frustrated because I wanted to complete unfinished projects before I moved on to the next. I often have many projects in writing, painting and creation going at once and at times it's overwhelming because things often sit for years "almost complete." We never may know why we are guided to listen to the voice inside yet I realize it's importance now.

Through this process, I realize that I am not a project to be completed. I'm on a journey and the quest is being present with what is. This weekend after spending time at M Bridget Cook Burch's Inspired Writers Retreat something happened to me. Bridget reminded me that the reason I'm guided to write a book or create art is because I desire to live and leave a legacy of love for generations to come, to create a movement on this planet of self love and love for the earth. To share stories that may inspire even one person to see the value in the journey through darkness and light is part of a process that allows us grow beyond hopelessness, fear or frustration knowing there is more on the other side. I start with me.

The vulnerability to completely come undone from who you were to whom you are becoming is messy. It's raw, real, unstaged and epic. Often times the journey is filled with big discomfort because it brings up all the deepest truths of my soul that spill out in tears and I feel naked. Everyone can see through me and there is no where to hide. The layers of protection crack open and I fall in love. It's this truth that ignites the sacred heart. My heart burns with a passion of my prayers being answered. I know it because I feel it. Reading the signs from the universe is confirmation I'm on the right path, the path of my destiny. Bird's in flight, drum trinity in a teepee, butterflies, blessings at the waterfall and an offering of purification of my everything for the way to be obvious, clear and for the highest good for myself and for all. I can't hide it and I no longer desire to because It's who I am. It feels as though I've been here before for many lifetimes remembering the way of truth through sacred actions to honor what my heart wanted all along. To be real to be with the earth dancing in the sunshine and in the shade. Listening and feeling the clean powerful mountain water rush underneath me as I stand on the bridge between worlds. It all come's back to me. Now purified, I have changed.

Returning to my home, standing in front of my closet to find something to wear I stare at the awkwardness of looking at the clothes that I thought once defined me. Nothing fit's me anymore, not in size or shape. My soul expression has expanded and I'm less concerned about how it looks and desiring to be adorned with soft and silky fabrics and that honor my expansion, purity and passion. I desire to wear things that glide with the wind and wilderness of nature. Inside I have reclaimed the sensations that fill my undomesticated sensual feminine essence and I desire my external expression to mirror how I feel. Everything has changed. I'm remembering.

Instead of what to wear, an inner calling draws me to return to this painting. I now know it's not a lantern that was waiting to be painted. It's my sacred heart that gets to fill the center of this canvas. It's what has been lighting the way all along. The flame of my sacred heart can not be extinguished by anyone because it's mine.  The fire in my heart crackles, sparks and burns bright from within. I feel it pop, bubble up as a slight pain stretches and expands through inner workings of love. This is a good pain. I now know what the Grinch was going through when his heart expands 3 sizes bigger than before. I'm feeling it now! This is how I live and leave a legacy of love! Through embodiment of being willing to listen to what makes my heart burn brighter, I seize this moment in gratitude. I'm getting better at giving myself permission to break the rules of coveting my experiences and sharing my soul's journey. I share this image, unfinished because what we think we are supposed to do is not necessarily what great spirit has in store for us. Willingness to listen and be led until we feel directed by something greater than us to take action is honorable because it's real.

Thank you great spirit for teaching me how to tend to my fire and fuel my inner passions with the actions that will keep me burning bright. Thank you for teaching me to follow the threads of passion without fear. Thank you for teaching me how to be real, seen and go beyond the place where I have hidden who I really am in fear of judgment or making mistakes and teach me to honor who I am becoming with grace and truth. Thank you for teaching me how to not be ashamed to feel what I'm feeling. Thank you for guiding and directing my every action. I am willing to learn and ready to take a stand on the bridge from where I used to be to where I am going while sharing my experiences. Please show me the way with purity, integrity and truth. I know I am a wise old soul that speaks to honor our great mother earth and the unseen realms that illuminate the essence of our being. Thank you for teaching me how to be in alignment with my thoughts and actions led by my heart's knowing. I don't know what it all means right now and I surrender the need to know why, how or what. I trust the all the answers will be revealed to my sacred heart by listening to my guidance that leads me to learn how to fuel my eternal flames. I am being guided and directed by what is best for my highest good and for the good of all. Thy will be done. And so it is.

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